Autumnal Blues

October 17, 2017

"Then summer fades and passes and October comes. We'll smell smoke then, and feel an unexpected sharpness, a thrill of nervousness, swift elation, a sense of sadness and departure." - Thomas Wolfe

 

There’s a lot of things on my mind these days. I’m still working on a huge “summary” summer vlog – a longer video to express everything that happened this summer and how I felt throughout. It’s gnawing at me that by now it’s October and it’s still not out there. One effect of this summer has definitely been that I am unsure where to place my YouTube channel in my life. But more on that another time.

 

I am also translating a book. I started this a while ago but now I am viewing this as my first official freelancer project and finally taking it as seriously as I should have a long time ago. I am re-reading what I wrote before and noticing how much my style has evolved over time, which in itself is a really interesting activity.

 

At the same time though, there are days when I waste a lot of time doing nothing. Or there are days when my brain insists that I drown myself in entertainment, which is equally unhelpful.

 

Change really screws with me, but I don’t think I ever fully realized how much and how long after the fact. I know a girl who was sad an entire year before her last year at school, because even then she was already aware of The End. It really got her down that, at a now definitive point in the future, everyone would go their separate ways and there would be an ending.

 

For me it’s different. I’m usually really happy at the prospect of change. I’m impatient for change. I embrace it wholeheartedly. And then, only once everyone else has already gotten used to the change does my brain go: wait...what?

 

It’s only recently with the now obvious change of the season that my brain has fully caught up with where I’m at. It’s been a time of assessment, of figuring out what is going well, what isn’t and what I need to force myself to do better.

 

They say that you can change the place, the people, the circumstances but unless you change yourself, you will always keep encountering similar obstacles no matter where you go. I know this to be true, and I do feel I have changed in the past year and taken several steps in the direction I want to go in.

 

But.

 

There is always a definitive but. I’m doing exciting things, I launched a website, I started this blog, I’m fulfilling my first freelance contract, I have plans to write for a certain magazine, I’m even exercising again and trying out new things. But there’s always a part of my brain that’s upset with how slow things are going. With how little change there is. And there are days that I feel like I’m going in the completely wrong direction, like I am letting myself down, and like everything I’m doing is not enough. And it isn’t, but I get into such an immobilizing mindset that even that realization opposes all progress.

 

I remember all the change I wanted to pursue in the summer, all of the improvements I wanted to make. By now I feel like I hardly remember the summer, even though I remember vividly remembering summer not that long ago. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it rings true for me.

 

With the changing of the seasons comes a changing of my state of mind. I have always been susceptible to seasonal moods (I have a strong track record of winter depression which will undoubtedly rear its ugly head in the months to come), but this year there is more space in my mind than ever to dwell on it. To dwell on a lot of things as a matter of fact.

 

The only way I see forward is to start getting and start doing. I just have to get my mind together, get through this slump, work up all the stuff I’ve been neglecting, get back to my YouTube channel, embrace the change again and get on with it.

 

So I’m making a deal with myself, with the internet as my witness. There will be a lot more getting and doing from here on out. I will stop wasting time on wondering how things could otherwise be, and concentrate on doing the things I can right now.

 

Do you feel like this? Are your moods seasonal? How do you deal with change? Am I alone in this brain space? Let me know your experiences and possible advice in the comments. Also subscribe to this blog, it is still in its fledgling state, but I have high hopes for it :)

 

Until next time,

 

Xenopus

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